198 Funny Short Jokes To Keep In Your Back Pocket (2024)

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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.

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What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

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The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners.

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

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What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
The space bar.

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What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.

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The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.

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Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things, literally.

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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.

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I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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Rest in peace to boiling water. You will be mist.

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Can February march?
No, but April may.

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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?
"HDMI."

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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

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Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

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I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

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I have many jokes about rich kids — sadly none of them work.

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What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”

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What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
Mike.

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What did the ghost call his Mum and Dad?
His transparents.

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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

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Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.

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What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

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How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

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How does Moses make tea?
He brews.

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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

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Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

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Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.

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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

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What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.

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I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

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What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.

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What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn?
“Where is Pop Corn?”

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I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.

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What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
"Dam."

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A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and… Cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

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What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.

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How do poets say hello?
"Hey, haven’t we metaphor?"

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Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

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How do you throw a space party?
You planet.

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Want to hear a construction joke?
Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.

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Why did the gym close down?
It just didn’t work out!

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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope.

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How do trees get online?
They just log on.

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How does the ocean say hi?
It waves!

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What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.

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Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.

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Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

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Why are pizza jokes the worst?
They’re too cheesy.

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What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks — I’ll never part with it!

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What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

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What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.

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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

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Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.

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What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!

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Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.

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Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because their parents were in a jam.

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Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret?
He’s afraid you’ll spread it.

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What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

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Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.

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Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

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Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree!

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What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese!

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Why don’t you ever see giraffes in middle school?
Because they’re all in high school.

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What did the bathtub say to the toilet?
“You look flushed!”

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How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words.

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What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.

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Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

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Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

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How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

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What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?
The second telephone.

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I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!

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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

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Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

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Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.

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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.

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What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
"Bison!"

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What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

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I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

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Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.

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What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking! I’m changing!

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What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad.

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Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

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Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa baa shop!

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What do kids play when their mom is using the phone?
Bored games.

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What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!

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What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip.

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Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

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What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

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What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A bowl full of mice-cream.

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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano!

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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!

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Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s faster than walking.

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What did the lava say to his girlfriend?
“I lava you!”

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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

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What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.

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What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
"That hit the spot!"

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What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

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Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.

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What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

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Why did the peanut get into a rocket?
He wanted to be an astro-nut!

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What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them right back.

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What’s the difference between a car and a fish?
You can tune a car but you can’t tuna fish.

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Who eats snails?
People who don’t like fast food.

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

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Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

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What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

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What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

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What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”

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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

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What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.

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Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.

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What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.

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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

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Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.

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Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

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Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!

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How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

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Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.

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What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield.

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What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
“Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

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Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!

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What social event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

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What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

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Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!

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What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.

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How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.

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Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills.

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How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

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When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

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How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge.

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Where do most horses live?
In neighhh-borhoods!

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Why did the Daddy Rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

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Which planet loves to sing?
Nep-tune!

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What’s a private investigator’s favorite shoe?
Sneak-ers.

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What did the limestone say to the geologist?
"Don’t take me for granite!"

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How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

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What do you call a duck that gets good grades?
A wise quacker.

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What kind of keys are sweet?
Cookies!

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Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up some pants.

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What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.

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What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

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What do you call an old snowman?
A glass of water.

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Why did the banana visit the doctor?
She wasn’t peeling well.

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What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

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What animal is always at a baseball game?
A bat.

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What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

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You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.

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Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.

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Some people think prison is one word… But to robbers it's the whole sentence.

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I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

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What do wooden whales eat?
Plankton.

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God said to Moses, "Come forth and inherit the world!". But he came fifth and won a toaster.

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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.

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What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

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Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.

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How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

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Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

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Why is England the wettest country?
Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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What are shark’s two most favorite words?
"Man overboard!"

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Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.

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Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

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What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe!

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Why are snails slow?
Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

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What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

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What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.

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Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

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What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.

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What board game does the sky love to play?
Twister.

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What do you call a tired bull?
A bulldozer.

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Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it would go over your head.

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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it was feeling a little crummy.

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How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.

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Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his leg muscles so much as a kid?
He was a little Thor.

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It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

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The people of Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.

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